Here's what I know to be true:
I have never, as a driver, been pulled over by the police. I have never been stopped by the police for any reason, I have never been questioned by the police about another suspect, nor have I been given any more direction from an officer of the law than when they are directing traffic. The last time, and really only time where I was old enough to be aware of anything while I was in a vehicle that was being pulled over was in 2008. I was a Sophomore in college and my friend and I had driven out to his home town, about an hour and a half away from our college to pick up the latest Halo game that he had reserved. It was after midnight when we were driving back to school and we were so excited to play this game, we had planned to stay up all night to beat it, that my friend was driving about 20 miles over the speed limit on the freeway.
We were pulled over.
The officer asked for my friend's license and registration, and then asked why we were going so fast. Rather than simply tell him, I pulled out the Halo game and energy drinks from the bag down by my feet.
I didn't think about it.
I didn't think at all about the fact that the officer could not see what was in the bag, did not know who we were, or would think anything of it. When I reached down into that bag, that officer did not tense up, he didn't move his hand to his gun, his hand wasn't already on his gun when he approached the vehicle. He let me pull out the game and drinks without giving me any orders, he was relaxed, he was calm, he thought it was funny. He then let my friend and I go with a warning, "just drive safer."
At that time I did not think anything of that incident. I did not analyze it. I did not question it. I did not think about how that encounter would have played out differently if we had not been college students or if we had not been white.
I know that that encounter would not have been the same, even though I know that thousands of young black men encounter the police in a way that does not threaten their lives, I know that over 400 have lost theirs so far this year. I know that Philando Castile was shot and killed during a routine traffic stop while he was still buckled into his seat, with his girlfriend and child in the car, just after he was asked for his license and registration. I know Philando was somebody's child, parent, friend, parishioner, boyfriend, role model, reason for breathing.
I know that our perspective can get distorted by the stories we tell. I remember hearing the way the media and police officials described 12 year old Tamir Rice. 5' 7" 195 lbs. He was big, almost like a man. He was too big, too scary, too threatening. Tamir's size justified in some way the actions of two officers who rolled up and shot him in under 3 seconds. That one hit me differently. I remembered that when I was a kid, my friends and I liked to play with airsoft guns around our neighborhoods and parks. We dressed up in "tactical" gear and played soldiers. We had organized formations, strategies, we played war together. Then I remembered those numbers. 5' 7" 195 lbs. Tamir was about my size when I was 12. And never before in my life had I ever thought to consider the consequences of my actions. Would someone have thought that 12 year old 5' 7" 185 lbs Ben was wielding a real gun? Would someone have thought that my friends and I were real soldiers, man sized soldiers, coming to take over their neighborhood?
I don't think 12 year old me could have been a threat to any adult. I don't think I ever really was. No one would have killed me and used my size as justification, nor would my size have been repeated in the news, or be immediately pulled up in some vague google search.
I know that Tamir was somebody's child, friend, parishioner, reason for breathing.
I know that just last night, at a peaceful protest to the violence and fear that many in the black community feel when encountering the police, several people planned, organized and carried out an attack that seems to have targeted the police.
I know that today, tomorrow and years from now this shooting will not bring healing, it will only bring more pain, more fear, more death. I know that some people will use this as an excuse for fear.
I know that five police officers have lost their lives. I know that they too were somebody's children, parents, friends, parishioners, spouses, role models, reason for breathing.
It's not complicated because there is moral ambiguity. It's not complicated because some people aren't perfect victims. It's not complicated because the law is unclear.
It's complicated because the sin of racism, of hatred, of fear makes us believe it is so. Every life that is taken is felt in ways that extend far beyond an individual. Every life that is taken has the potential to drive us farther apart, into deeper divide, into more alienation, more rhetoric, and more pain. My soul aches for those officers killed while trying to protect citizen's rights to peacefully protest police actions.
My soul aches for every young person who is killed, especially those who are black and killed by those sanctioned to protect and serve their communities. My soul aches for those who are killed and whose families will find no trial for their killers.
We do not survive a sinking ship by making more holes, or by ignoring the ones we have. We have to brave the deluge, work together to mend, to repair, and to heal. We have to be willing to face scrutiny, criticism, and questioning. We have to be willing to abandon our desire to be right so that our sisters and brothers can simply breathe, and we all can live. We have to be willing to deal with this complication, this racism, this hatred, and our perception of it.
Remember, it is not distance, or fear, or violence, or distrust, or suspicion that will save us. It isn't body armor or a weapon. It isn't increased security, it isn't more boots on the ground.
It is love.
It is love.
It is love.
It is love.
It is love.
We were made in love, by love, to love. It is only by surrendering to love that we will dismantle this racism, this fear, this hatred and this violence.
God give us your love, that we would take your grace and never look at one another the same.
φόβος οὐκ ἔστιν ἐν τῇ ἀγάπῃ ἀλλ’ ἡ τελεία ἀγάπη ἔξω βάλλει τὸν φόβον
(There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. - 1 John 4:18a)
